Learn 10 common couples therapy mistakes—like expecting quick fixes or venting without truly reconnecting—and how to avoid them. Discover a compassionate, progress-focused approach to marriage and couples therapy in Tustin, CA, with Steve Cuffari.
Couples therapy can be one of the most powerful ways to rebuild trust and emotional connection. But for many couples—especially those juggling careers, kids, and the quiet disconnection that creeps in over time—what should feel healing can start to feel like more of the same: stalled conversations, emotional blowups, and no real change.
Why does this happen?
Often, it’s not because therapy doesn’t work—it’s because of how we show up for it. Many couples unintentionally bring old patterns into the therapy room: protecting instead of opening up, blaming instead of reaching, or waiting for their partner to change first.
This guide unpacks 10 of the most common therapy pitfalls—and how to move through them with clarity, courage, and compassion. Whether you’re just starting therapy or feeling stuck in the process, you’ll find practical, expert-backed ways to shift your experience—and move toward the closeness you’re really longing for.
Quick Answers: Couples Therapy at a Glance
What are the most common mistakes couples make in therapy?
Expecting the therapist to “fix” your partner, venting without true emotional repair, avoiding deeper issues like intimacy, or not staying engaged between sessions.
How do you know if a couples therapist is a good fit?
They create emotional safety, stay attuned to both of you, help you recognize stuck patterns, and guide you toward deeper connection, not just better communication.
Can therapy help even if we’re not in crisis?
Yes. Couples therapy isn’t just for moments of crisis—it’s a powerful way to strengthen your bond, deepen emotional intimacy, and prevent disconnection before it takes root.
Think of it like routine maintenance for your relationship, like getting the oil changed in your car. You don’t wait for the engine to seize before taking care of it. Tending to your connection regularly keeps your relationship running smoothly, with fewer breakdowns along the way.
What if we’ve tried therapy before and it didn’t work?
Not all therapy styles—or therapists—are the same. If past sessions felt one-sided or surface-level, the right approach (like EFT) can still create real, lasting change.
Read: 7 Signs Your Relationship Needs Couples Therapy
The Top 10 Couples Therapy Mistakes to Avoid
1. What If You’re Expecting The Therapist to “Fix” Your Partner
Wouldn’t it be nice if your therapist could finally make your partner see the light and change their ways? I’ve watched that type of hope walk into my office for over 25 years. However, this mindset often backfires. It puts the focus on blame instead of understanding, and it turns therapy into a standoff, like being in a courtroom, instead of a safe space to reconnect.
What to Do Instead:
See therapy as a shared journey, not a trial. Your therapist isn’t there to pick sides or find the person with THE problem—they’re role is to help you both understand the deeper patterns at play that interfere with your relationship and gently guide you back to connection.
2. What if you’re not being fully honest in therapy?
It’s natural to avoid saying things that might upset your partner, especially if you’re trying to keep the peace. But withholding your real feelings, even with good intentions, can slow down healing. Unspoken resentments, past hurts, or unmet needs don’t disappear when we ignore them—they just continue to shape the distance between you.
What to Do Instead:
Slow yourself down, and speak honestly about your emotions and experiences. If something feels hard to say, let your therapist know—that in itself is a doorway to healing. A good therapist will help you express your emotions with care and honesty. They will help you “invite” your partner, so they can hear you without feeling criticized, blamed, or attacked.
3. Using Sessions to Vent Instead of Heal
It’s natural to want to air your frustrations. However, when therapy turns into a weekly recap of arguments, couples often leave feeling more exhausted than connected. Venting can feel momentarily relieving, but it rarely leads to lasting change without deeper emotional insight. Even more, it helps you both get stuck. What starts off as a way to protect yourself can quickly turn into a prison where both partners feel hurt, stuck, and alone.
What to Do Instead:
Use conflict as a doorway to understanding. With your therapist’s support, focus on what’s underneath the argument—the fears, needs, and longings driving the tension. Shift from “Who was right?” to “What do we both need to feel safe and close again?” That’s where real progress begins.
4. Waiting Until You’re in Crisis to Start Therapy
Many couples wait until things feel unbearable before reaching out—when every conversation turns into a fight, resentment runs high, and emotional distance feels permanent. At that stage, therapy often becomes about managing crisis and unlearning years of hurt, rather than building something new.
What to Do Instead:
Think of therapy not just as a last resort, but as relationship care—like regular maintenance that keeps your connection strong. Here’s the thing: You wouldn’t wait for your car’s engine to fail before changing the oil. In the same way, don’t wait for emotional breakdowns before tending to your bond. Therapy is most powerful when it helps you repair small disconnects before they grow into bigger wounds. It’s never too early to invest in closeness.
Don’t wait for rock bottom. Proactive marriage therapy can build resilience long before things boil over.
5. Working with a Therapist Who Doesn’t Feel Like the Right Fit
If your therapist doesn’t feel emotionally responsive, balanced, or aligned with your values, it becomes harder to open up—and therapy can start to feel like one more place where you’re not fully heard. When that safety isn’t there, meaningful progress is delayed if not halted..
What to Do Instead:
Trust your intuition. Ask questions early on and notice how the therapist responds to both of you. The right therapist will create a space where you feel emotionally safe, equally supported, and gently guided—not judged. If you’re still searching for that kind of support, explore our couples therapy services in Tustin.
6. Avoiding Conversations About Sex or Money
Sex and money are two of the most emotionally loaded—and most commonly avoided—topics in couples therapy. Partners often steer clear of them out of shame, fear of conflict, or past experiences of judgment. But avoiding these areas can leave deep emotional needs unmet, leading to distance, resentment, and silent hurt.
What to Do Instead:
You don’t have to dive in all at once—but you do deserve a space where these topics can be explored with care. A skilled therapist will guide these conversations gently. They’ll normalize the discomfort and help both of you feel safe about being honest. Talking about what’s meaningful and uncomfortable can be the first step toward deeper intimacy and trust.
7. When Therapy Sessions Turn Into More Fights
If therapy becomes just another place where you argue and feel misunderstood, it can feel even more discouraging than silence. You might walk out feeling shut down, defeated, or wondering why you’re bothering at all. The truth is, when emotions run high, couples often fall into the same fight-or-flight pattern they use at home—even in front of a therapist. (Gottman)
What to Do Instead: EFT, or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, teaches that beneath every fight is a protest for connection. When tensions rise, it’s often because one or both of you feel unheard, unsafe, or alone. In that moment, it’s important to learn the art of slowing things down. For example, a pause, a deep breath, or a structured turn-taking format gives space for softer emotions to emerge. A good therapist will help you catch the negative pattern early and help create safety, so you’re not just having the same argument—you’re learning to reach for each other in new ways.
8. Skipping the Work Between Sessions
It’s easy to treat therapy like a once-a-week appointment on your calendar. However, real change happens in the space between sessions. When you don’t follow through, reflect, or revisit what you’re learning in sessions, the insights from therapy can fade under the chaos of daily life.
What to Do Instead:
Think of each session as a moment to reconnect—but the real healing happens in how you show up afterward. EFT helps couples recognize the patterns that keep them stuck, but it’s in your everyday moments—bedtime, busy mornings, small hurts—that new choices take root. Even small efforts (like trying a new way to reach for your partner or sharing one vulnerable truth) can shift your emotional dance. Show up for the practice each day with your partner, not just the appointment. It’s a game changer!
9. Believing Communication Tools Alone Will Fix Everything
Using “I” statements or love languages can be helpful. However, they don’t work without emotional safety. If past hurts are still unspoken or trust feels shaky, even the best tools can sound mechanical or fall flat.
What to Do Instead:
Let tools support you, not replace real connection. What matters most is how safe it feels to share, and how willing each partner is to stay present and, most importantly, vulnerable with each other. EFT reminds us: it’s not just what you say—it’s how open, transparent, and emotionally attuned you are when you say it. That’s what creates change.
10. Expecting Quick Results From Therapy
In a world of quick fixes, it’s natural to want fast answers and quick results. But relationships don’t change in a single breakthrough—they heal slowly, through new experiences of connection and safety. When we rush, we often miss the deeper healing that takes time to unfold, like rebuilding or strengthening trust.
What to Do Instead:
Give the process time. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you learn to respond differently. EFT shows us that even small moments—reaching out instead of shutting down, softening instead of defending—can begin to shift the whole emotional dance. Trust that these small steps, repeated with care, can rebuild something strong and lasting.
Mistake Recap: What to Remember
- Therapy is a shared journey, not a blame game. You’re not here to fix each other—you’re here to find your way back to each other.
- Vulnerability is your superpower. Real healing begins when you stop hiding and start reaching.
- Conflict needs care, not control. It’s not about avoiding arguments—it’s about staying emotionally connected through them.
- Progress happens between sessions. The real shifts show up in everyday moments. Stay engaged, even when it feels small.
- The right therapist creates safety, not sides. When you feel seen, supported, and guided together, everything changes.
Please, contact me with questions, and I’ll help you determine if therapy is right for you
How In Touch Family Counseling Does It Differently
At In Touch Family Counseling, I offer marriage counseling and couples therapy that’s more than just talk–it’s a structured, emotionally grounded space where both partners can feel seen, heard, and understood.
Here’s what you can expect:
- Emotionally safe, inclusive conversations—so you both feel supported, not blamed.
- Clear, structured goals—to guide each session with purpose and focus.
- Neutral, experienced guidance—no sides, just support for the relationship.
- Between-session support—to help you stay connected to the work in real life.
I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and bring over 25 years of clinical and academic experience to help couples move beyond surface conflict and reconnect where it matters most—at the level of the heart. Whether you’re in crisis or just feeling distant, therapy can help you rebuild trust, deepen connection, and feel close again.
Learn more about Steve Cuffari and how he supports relationships through marriage therapy and couples counseling in Tustin, CA.
Ready to Feel Heard and Move Forward?
If you’re looking for couples therapy in Tustin, CA or nearby Orange County, In Touch Family Counseling offers compassionate, results-driven sessions tailored to your dynamic.
FAQs About Couples Therapy
Q: Does couples therapy really work for all couples?
A: It depends on your goals, the therapist’s skill, and both partners’ willingness. But even hard conversations can become breakthroughs with the right support.
Q: What if we’ve tried therapy before and it didn’t help?
A: A different approach and therapist can make all the difference. Therapy isn’t one-size-fits-all.
Q: How long does therapy take to work?
A: Some couples notice a shift within a few sessions. For others, deeper change takes time. I tailor the process to your relationship.
Q: How can I tell if a couple’s therapist is being fair to both partners?
A: A good therapist creates space for both voices and helps you find common ground without judgment. You can also explore answers in our couples therapy FAQs.
